November 4, 2026 · @ReeseWinters
You’ve made it out of the house and find yourself walking near a group of people talking about something you love, a book you just finished or a hiking trail you know well. You have something to add. You want to join in, contribute, and maybe even make a new friend. Yet your mind goes blank, your heart starts pounding, and every part of you wants to stay quiet and keep walking.
This is social anxiety in action. Your nervous system is treating an ordinary conversation as a threat. The good news is that research offers both encouraging findings and practical tools for these moments.
Your brain’s predictions are often wrong
Social anxiety is largely a fear of being judged. Research suggests that fear is usually more pessimistic than reality.
In a series of five studies, people who had just talked with someone new consistently underestimated how much their conversation partner liked them and enjoyed their company. The researchers called this the “liking gap.” Outside observers could see the other person’s interest, but participants were too caught up in worrying about what they had said to notice it. The gap was larger for shyer people (Boothby et al., 2018).
We also tend to misjudge how a conversation with a stranger will feel. In a series of experiments with train and bus commuters, most people predicted they would enjoy their ride more sitting alone. Those who were asked to talk with a stranger actually had a more pleasant commute, and the people they spoke to enjoyed it too (Epley & Schroeder, 2014).
In other words, the conversation you’re dreading will probably go better than you expect, and the other person likely likes you more than you think.
What’s the worst that could happen? Two DBT skills
Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) offers practical skills for answering that question before your nervous system answers it for you. Research suggests that practicing DBT skills can reduce emotion dysregulation and anxiety, even outside the populations DBT was first designed for (Neacsiu et al., 2014).
Check the Facts
Check the Facts is an emotion regulation skill that asks whether your emotion, and its intensity, fits what is actually happening (Linehan, 2015). The steps are simple:
Name the emotion and rate its intensity from 0 to 10.
Describe the event using only what you observed, without interpretation.
Notice your assumptions and consider other explanations.
Ask whether you are assuming a threat, and how likely it really is.
Ask whether you are assuming a catastrophe. If the worst did happen, how would you cope?
Decide whether your emotion fits the facts.
For example, you notice strangers at a café discussing a book you just finished. Your fear says, “They’ll think I’m weird.” The facts are that they are friendly, talking openly, and in a public space. The realistic worst case is a polite, brief exchange. You could cope with that.
Opposite Action
When fear doesn’t fit the facts, DBT pairs Check the Facts with Opposite Action: gently doing the opposite of what the emotion urges (Linehan, 2015). Fear says avoid, so you approach. Fear says look down, so you make eye contact and smile. Fear says stay quiet, so you ask one question.
Start small: build an exposure ladder
Exposure therapy, the practice of gradually and repeatedly approaching what we fear, is one of the most effective approaches for anxiety (Craske et al., 2014). Current research suggests exposure works less by making fear disappear and more by building new learning. Each time you approach something scary and it goes better than predicted, your brain stores a competing memory: “I’ve done this before, and I handled it” (Craske et al., 2014).
This means you don’t have to wait until you feel calm to act. You can feel nervous the whole time and still come home having learned something important.
An exposure ladder breaks a big fear into smaller steps. Start with something mildly uncomfortable, repeat it until it feels manageable, then move up a rung. Here is one example:
Make eye contact and smile at a cashier or barista.
Ask a store employee a question.
Give a stranger a genuine compliment.
Make a brief comment to someone in line or at the dog park.
Attend a class or club and say hello to one person.
Ask someone at the group a follow-up question about themselves.
Join a conversation that is already happening.
Suggest meeting up again or exchanging contact information.
Try each step in different places and with different people. Practicing across varied settings helps the new learning stick (Craske et al., 2014). Before each step, notice what you predict will happen. Afterward, compare it to what actually happened.
In the moment: practical tips
Use a simple opener. You don’t need to be clever. Comment on what you share in that moment:
“I couldn’t help overhearing you talking about that book. I just finished it. What did you think of the ending?”
“Is this your first time at this class?”
“That trail you mentioned sounds great. How long is it?”
Turn your attention outward. Anxiety pulls our focus inward, onto our heartbeat, our words, and how we look. That self-focus is part of why people miss the signs that others like them (Boothby et al., 2018). Instead, get curious about the other person. Ask open questions, listen for details, and follow up on what they say.
Drop your safety behaviors. Many of us lean on small habits to feel safer, like scrolling our phone, rehearsing sentences in our head, or staying near the exit. They bring short-term relief, but they also keep us from learning that we can handle the situation without them. Letting go of these habits is one way to make exposure more effective (Craske et al., 2014).
Expect some awkwardness. Pauses, stumbles, and conversations that fizzle are normal for everyone, not proof that something is wrong with you. A simple “It was nice chatting with you” is a perfectly good way to end things.
Count the attempt as the win. Your goal is to show up and try, not to be impressive. Success is saying hello, regardless of how the conversation turns out.
Afterward: go easy on yourself
For many people with social anxiety, the hardest part comes after the conversation. You replay every word on the drive home: “Why did I say that? They must think I’m strange.”
Remember the liking gap. The harsh critic in your head is probably far less accurate than it sounds. When the replay starts, try this:
Name it. “This is my anxiety reviewing the tape, not the facts.”
Check the Facts again. What did you actually observe? Did they smile, ask you questions, or keep talking?
Notice what went well. You showed up. You spoke. You stayed. That is the exposure working.
Speak to yourself like a friend. If a friend told you about this conversation, what would you say to them?
Then plan your next rung on the ladder. Progress comes from repetition, not from any single perfect conversation.
You belong in the conversation
Social anxiety can make a simple hello feel like a leap off a cliff. But the research is encouraging: people tend to like us more than we think, conversations usually go better than we predict, and every small step teaches the nervous system something new. You don’t have to feel fearless. You just have to take the next step.
If getting out the door is the hardest part, start with the companion article, “When the Couch Feels Safer: Understanding Social Anxiety and Finding Your Way Back to Connection,” on loneliness, avoidance, and finding your people above.
If social anxiety is keeping you from the life you want, a therapist can help you build these skills at your own pace.
This article is for general education and is not a substitute for therapy or medical care. If you are in crisis, call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) or call 911.
References
Boothby, E. J., Cooney, G., Sandstrom, G. M., & Clark, M. S. (2018). The liking gap in conversations: Do people like us more than we think? Psychological Science, 29(11), 1742–1756. https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797618783714
Craske, M. G., Treanor, M., Conway, C. C., Zbozinek, T., & Vervliet, B. (2014). Maximizing exposure therapy: An inhibitory learning approach. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 58, 10–23. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.brat.2014.04.006
Epley, N., & Schroeder, J. (2014). Mistakenly seeking solitude. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 143(5), 1980–1999. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0037323
Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT skills training manual (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
Neacsiu, A. D., Eberle, J. W., Kramer, R., Wiesmann, T., & Linehan, M. M. (2014). Dialectical behavior therapy skills for transdiagnostic emotion dysregulation: A pilot randomized controlled trial. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 59, 40–51. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.brat.2014.05.005